What about medium control religion?

Reflections on being desensitized to spiritual abuse, trauma, and harm

Books, podcasts, and blogposts about high control religion and spiritual trauma seem to be overflowing like those volcanos we’d make as kids that would ‘erupt’ once you poured vinegar over baking soda. The baking soda’s been there a while, seemingly dormant, until now — a time when abusive of power (and human beings!) in many Christian spaces is being called out and questioned more publicly than ever before.

I’m currently enjoying All the Buried Women by Beth Allison Bar and Savannah Locke, and it’s brought a question to mind that I’ve been wondering for a while… When people jump to dismiss or invalidate spiritual trauma or harm, saying it’s not ‘as bad’ as ‘extreme’ examples of ‘high control religion’, what does that tell us about our view of control in faith communities?

Said differently: When someone looks at a church, ministry, or faith community of any sort and tells another person they’re being dramatic or over exaggerating by saying it was a ‘high control religion’ space—that it’s not actually high control—I can’t help but wonder, are we so desensitized to faith communities exercising control that unless we see an overwhelming or oppressive amount of control being exerted, we don’t see a problem?

And while part of me is tempted to quote bible verses to clearly spell out how backwards it is for control to have a such a normalized place (or…. any place?!) in faith communities, I’m not sure that will do any good.

I think too many of us are used to hearing about how merciful and gracious God is and we’re used to seeing churches being run like business with leaders and executives who prioritize numbers and reputation, backing up their leadership structure with verses from the bible.

I think too many of us are used to people painting us beautiful pictures of Christ’s compassion and gentleness that was lived out in dignifying the humanity of outcasts, and we’re used to leaders in faith communities treating some people as less than human—and backing it up with bible verses.

I think too many of us are used to being told stories of a humble Jesus who gently said, follow me, and we’re used to narcissistic leaders who intimidate and manipulate to secure the control they desire, again, backing it up with bible verses.

And yes, I know not every faith community is like this. That’s not what I’m trying to say. What I am trying to say is this — there are enough faith communities, churches, ministries, families, and individuals who do cling to control at the expense of others while claiming their first loyalty is to Christ that it would make sense for us to be incredibly desensitized to varying degrees of control in faith spaces.

Even if a community is not ‘high control,’ that does not mean they are not ‘no control.’ And I don’t know about you, but I can’t make sense of how any human being—most especially in the name of Christ—thinks it’s ok to exert control over another human being. More than that, my heart breaks for how normal it has become to us that people who claim they’re in a role to protect, nourish, and care for souls intermix or overtake their role with control—making it about protecting, nourishing, and caring for their position of power.

So why does this matter? Why start typing these words at 9:03pm on a Saturday night when I’m tired and would honestly rather be watching Netflix?

Well, for starters, this line, what about medium control religion?, has been swimming in my body and brain for weeks, and I thought, why not give that another place to live rent free…

More than that, it’s because I spent years of my life in faith spaces with various degrees of control that I was completely blind to, and I wish I would have had someone’s voice offer some perspective on what I couldn’t yet see.

Now, I also spent years in faith spaces where I don’t remember any hint of control — those were the years up until I turned 18. I was raised in a church denomination where I don’t recall the power dynamics I’ve seen all over the place for the last 17 years. Maybe I was a kid and naive to what was really going on. Or maybe having lived in the Northeast US, Canada, and the Netherlands was a different enough culture from the Midwest and the South in the US (where I moved after turning 18), and moving into cultural Christianity brought me into a landscape I was in no way prepared to navigate. I just couldn’t imagine that anyone would claim to be a Christian, claim to be serving Christ with their life, and be clinging to control and power over others for their own reputation and gain. Naive of me, sure—but also, maybe this can point us to just how desensitized so many of us are to the insanity of how normal it is for supposedly Christian spaces to be about varying degrees of power and control.

I just can’t help but wonder, what would it be like if we really thought about how backwards it is for control to have any place in a faith community?

What would it be like if we thought about what’s really happening when someone in a pastoral role — a role that’s about protecting, nourishing, and tending — believes they have the right to exert control over other human beings to protect, feed, and tend to their power and reputation? What might we wake up to? What might we have to face that we might not want to see—both in others, and in our own selves?

And what if we didn’t view things as an either-or — it’s not either a faith community is a ‘high control religion” space or not, but likely there are varying degrees of control that could have seeped into what we would long to see as places of safety and refuge. What if we wrestled with the ever so messy both-and that’s nearly always in front of us in life in this delicate and damaging of spaces. There are certainly faith communities that are not high control religion, and also, are exerting control in ways that is harmful, and not in line with other good and beautiful things in that community.

Deep breath.

As always, I don’t write these words to give answers. I’m genuinely curious about this thought — what about medium control religion? — and for that matter — what about low control religion? Or even, what about nearly no control religion?

The main curiosity for me is this: Are we really comfortable with any amount of control being exerted in faith communities? Another way to ask that might be, do we really believe that it’s a reflection of God’s heart and goodness to exert control over other human beings?

My heart hopes our answers to these questions is a resounding no. And I long to see those no’s bring restoration and peace to people and places that were never meant to be controlled, but instead, to be free.

A flock of sheep freely grazing on the Isle of Iona, March 2025.