Slamming the Brakes
Thoughts on the ways our bodies slow us down and how we might move through life more humanely.
“I guess I’ll slow down after August 18th.”
This has been a recurring thought the last couple of weeks. You see, after August 18th, we embark on a big adventure and some massive stressors/deadlines open up. When I look at my calendar, it’s after that date when I see space where I can afford to practice what I preach and slow the heck down.
When I look at my calendar before that date, every single day is completely full with commitments, and then there’s four different to-do lists I’m toggling on the side, meaning slowing down right now hasn’t really been an option. It’s felt like the parts of me that make up the whole of me have been keeping their feet pressed on the gas pedal inside, giving my body a continuous hit of adrenaline to keep moving forward until we hit that date.
Then, last weekend I didn’t feel right. I wasn’t sure if I was just worn down or getting sick, desperately hoping it wasn’t the latter, desperately hoping I wouldn’t have to hit the brakes.
“I don’t have to get sick!” That’s all I could think. I had no time to spare. Getting sick wasn’t an option. Pressing the brakes is. not. an. option.
And then in a most painfully beautiful irony, in the thick of a week that I had set aside to try and finish a manuscript draft for the book I’m writing — a book about slowing down and tuning in with the body — I became incredibly sick and was forced to slow down and tune in with my body in ways that I really did not want to do, in ways that I fought against, a fight that I did not win…!
My body slammed on the brakes and put the gas pedal out of reach, as though she put an “out of order” sign above the accelerator.
Was this God forcing me to slow down? Or does that kind of thinking just cast God in the role of a cold and strict teacher who slaps us with a ruler when we get out of line, trying to teach us a lesson?
Was this my body forcing me to slow down? Or is that just a variation of the thinking above, casting my body in the role of the villain who is at war against me, struggling for power or control?
While we could both spiritualize the week and look at simple cause and effect of a worn out body, I’m more interested in the push and pull that happened inside of me and what that opened up in terms of how I’m thinking about pressing the brakes or the gas in all of those busy days I have left before August 18th…
Before I got sick, I had truly and wholeheartedly thought there was no option for how I’d move through these weeks slowly — it was a simple matter of math, limited time, and the human need for sleep. The gas pedal was the only option — push forward.
And now, today, as my body is still exhausted and nowhere near feeling normal or up for even a regular schedule, let alone a jam packed one with several of the biggest transitions in my life concurrently happening, I’m realizing that not only is it an option to move through these weeks slowly, it will be a necessity. Like my very own experiential class in what I’m writing about and talk about with clients — what would it look like for my body to go through these weeks not pushing forward on the gas, but instead, releasing the brakes?
My body can do that in a calm season. Not sure my body knows how to do that in a probably-one-of-the-most-stressful-seasons-of-my-life kinda season.
There is a part of me who is now gently guarding the gas pedal inside, making sure everyone is on board, knowing, we’re still not pressing this thing to full speed anytime soon. My body knows how to get into “go-mode,” like a muscle memory that can cruise beneath the surface, and so this part of me knows that as she stands watch, she has an opportunity to gently dream up new ways I can move through these weeks, ways that won’t require a lead foot on the gas that will take a toll on my body.
And the part of me that was so convinced she had to keep her foot on the gas pedal inside — she actually seems relieved by this. She was fueled by a current of anxiety that she didn’t think would be relieved until we step on that plane next month, but now, she’s getting to taste relief weeks earlier. The relief didn’t come from “getting through” all the to-do’s and getting to the other side. The relief came from the change in pace right now, in the thick of the to-do’s before getting to the other side.
This is something that has not come naturally to me for so long, something I move through alongside clients as I’m still moving through it myself — coming alongside my body as she learns to (humanely!) slow down, learning a new kind of brake system, one that gently presses on the brakes rather than slamming them, and one that gently releases to fuel me with some energy rather than slamming on the gas to shock me into action.
The parts of me that are so used to driving the car and slamming their feet on the gas or the brakes are still learning a new muscle memory with all of this — a new way to move through life — exploring each new movement as an invitation to breathe more deeply, anchor into the present, and ground in each step, rather than feeling unanchored, stirred up in stress, and driven around in chaos.
And as they learn this, I’m so curious to see, in the days between now and August 18th, what might it look like for them to move freely and flexibly through these days, rather than being moved by them.
Notes:
Ok, so for those of you who like to nerd out in neuroscience and the autonomic nervous system etc., here’s a little key to what I’m referencing above…
The brake system = vagal brake
The gas pedal = sympathetic state
What I’m exploring = what it’s like to (humanely!) come alongside our bodies that are often prone to press on the gas, feeling the stress/toll of a sympathetic state to push forward in life, and help our bodies learn a new way to move through life, one that doesn’t stop us by slamming on the brakes, but instead helps our bodies explore what it’s like to release the brakes for a more free flowing movement, and gently press on the brakes for a smoother slow down into ventral vagal.
If that means nothing to you, don’t worry, I’ll keep writing about it and adding notes like this :) See the work of Stephen Porges & Deb Dana for more…!
