Sifting Through Autonomy & Shame: Initial Thoughts

Some initial unfiltered thoughts that I've been pondering re autonomy -- what is means in our lives (spiritually and otherwise), and how it impacts our overall development.

I remember when I first learned that “autonomy” was listed as a fundamental principle of the code of ethics I would be held to as a licensed mental health counselor. I don’t remember exactly where I was in my master’s program, I just remember my gut reaction, a gut reaction that I view differently today than I did then. I look back now and see how that gut reaction was shaped by years I had spent in specific spiritual contexts where it was commonly understood that our lives are not our own, wrapped up in loads of authoritative power struggles. It was also shaped by rigidly black-and-white thinking that I held at the time, black-and-white thinking I had grown up with that was reinforced in those spiritual contexts. I saw affirming or exercising autonomy as a bad or shameful thing that was risky, it could take myself or another person outside of walking with God.

With that rigid mindset that had been used in authoritative power plays of the faith communities I had been a part of, enter “autonomy” as a fundamental principle — and my gut reaction was something along the lines of, “Well, that’s one of those places that mental health care is going to be at odds with Christian theology and faith.” I never had any intention of disrespecting this code of ethics I was held to, I just imagined it would create internal tension when knowing the “right answers” for how people ought to live in contrast with the choices they might make as they exercise their autonomy... Yikes! However you’re receiving these words — bear with me as I unpack where I am now…

There are two main things swirling through my mind today as I’m starting to look at autonomy through a completely different lens:

Thing #1 - Over the weekend, I got to hear Dr. Hillary McBride offer brilliant thoughts about development and spiritual trauma. The way that she spoke about how developing autonomy is a core facet of our overall development in childhood as we explore the world around us, and how this is frequently hindered in families and faith communities blew my mind. Mind you, I’ve taught Human Development courses to university students that cover a holistic biopsychosocial view of development — I’m familiar with human development…! I’ve just never heard someone intertwine spiritual trauma with development in this way. It rang so deeply true. She seamlessly connected how our development is hindered when we are not allowed space to explore the world and develop autonomy, a deficit that we can thankfully relearn later in life. Hillary — if you ever read this and feel I’ve misrepresented what you said, forgive me and correct me :)

Thing #2 - This past week, someone said to me, “I’ve been wondering if religion can exist without shame.” If you’ve ever heard of someone named Erik Erikson and his psychosocial theory of development, you might have the words, “Autonomy vs. Shame & Doubt,” pinging in your brain right now as well…

If I’ve lost you getting into development psych, here’s an oversimplification — from when we’re babies, we develop and grow throughout life. In the different stages that span through infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, we have to navigate a number of different things to grow, developing foundational building blocks that we then continue to build on as we move through our lives that include cognition, emotion, relationships, spirituality — really all the things that encompass our embodied beings. In short, when there’s a deficit in developing a foundational building block early in life, this will easily become problematic later in life. Like a bridge that needs scaffolding throughout the construction process, if we don’t have the scaffolding that we need, most specifically in primary attachment relationships (the people closest to us — caregivers, parents, family, friends), we might not have what we need for our growth and development. Later in life we might have opportunities to explore and relearn these things if we have enough scaffolding/support, or maybe not.

So, in a widely known theory of development (developed by a guy named Erik Erikson), the second stage of development that we go through is something he names “Autonomy vs. Shame & Doubt.” Each of his stages have a something vs. something — the first word is what we will hopefully successfully navigate, and the second term(s) name what we’ll veer into instead if we don’t successfully navigate this stage. And this second stage looks at ages 1.5 - 3, very young years.

I lay all of this meandering groundwork to say — those who have devoted their lives to understanding our development as humans have observed that if we do not learn how to explore the world with autonomy, if we don’t have the necessary scaffolding/help/support from caregivers and those around us to have space to explore the world as our own person that God created in God’s likeness, then what we are left with is stuckness in shame and doubt. Let that sink in for a minute. The alternative here to autonomy is not humility, it is not meekness, it is not sanctification — it is shame and doubt — things that are certainly not what we were created for.

When I look back years ago to my gut reaction that autonomy is self-centered and about being our own god, I realize that I was so unhelpfully mistaken. Rigid thinking and misguided assumptions prompted that gut reaction. My rigid thinking didn’t have room for how God as a good and perfect parent might be able to hold space for both being Creator, and for us as children to freely explore the world as we grow. My misguided assumptions weren’t imagining a world in which God delights in us becoming most fully ourselves, creations that embody God’s image — to the point that our freedom in our exploration of the world around us and our holistic development need not be dampened by shame to keep us in the lines.

Maybe my past rigid thinking and misguided assumptions sound crazy to you. Maybe they sound like the stories you’ve been told. For me, I’m in a years long process of unwrapping layers of unhelpful mindsets that are leaving me realizing — oh, there doesn’t need to be a divide between embodying autonomy and resting in God’s freedom, it’s not an either or thing. The problem is, this isn’t easy for many parts of me to quickly transition to believe because the church and ministry communities I was in for years taught me this — autonomy was stripped in people’s lives under the guise of being biblical and God-honoring in order to keep people in a place of shame and doubt, a place that makes it really easy to abuse power and do harm. We certainly don’t need to question whether abusing power and doing harm is congruent with God’s posture or heart… It’s simply not.

Now, if you’ve been pressed and pushed into a swamp of shame and doubt for years, it becomes really risky to relearn autonomy. The narrative that’s often felt at a gut level is, if I step into autonomy, am I being selfish? Am I not submitting to God? Am I directing my own life in a way that’s self-focused and/or dishonoring to God? I think these kinds of doubts are wrapped in the shame that people in positions of power abuse in churches and ministries, warping the minds of people that God also created, people that God doesn’t want to live burdened with shame, but instead, in freedom — a freedom that would certainly include autonomy.

For today, I’m going to pause here and end with some thoughts I’m continuing to chew on with this… More to come :)

Is autonomy necessarily at odds with or a threat to our faith or theology?

What would religion, or spirituality, without shame look like? How might this feel risky? What’s the function of shame in religion and spirituality? Is the goal of that function congruent with God’s heart, and if so, is shame the most effective strategy toward the goal of shame’s function?

How might God delight in children developing autonomy at a young age that is a foundation facet of their being throughout life? How might God delight in adults relearning autonomy later in life, almost like a restorative process to becoming more whole in our beings that are God’s image?