Making Space for New Pieces

Reflections on the intersection of trauma + neurodiversity

Long before I ever thought about becoming a therapist or going to therapy, I’ve always been curious to make sense of what’s happening inside—to understand the body-based-unspoken-before-and-beyond-words-communication that can speak louder than our voices…

And I wasn’t just curious about what was going on for other people, I was first and foremost curious about what was happening internally for me. And if I’m totally honest, for years, I wasn’t so much curious but instead, I was frustrated, trying to understand why in the world I responded to people and life in ways I didn’t like, why I felt things I wished I could escape, and why I seemed to make the same mistakes over and over.

When I started going to therapy, I worked with a counseling intern who was in his 50s, transitioning from a banking career, and bringing together Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a psychodynamic bent. I no joke went twice a week (as an intern his rate was affordable…! Read, cheap!) and was eagerly loving the opportunity to sort out all this beneath the surface stuff I had never really explored in intentional ways. I filled out my worksheets about maladaptive assumptions and core beliefs, considered what I could replace them with, how it all related to my relationships with my parents and siblings, and soon realized I was only scratching the tip of the iceberg…

Fast forward several years and I’m a new therapist learning about the complex intersections of trauma and our bodies, both triggered and fascinated reading The Body Keeps the Score and just about every continuing education credit and training I could devour on attachment, complex trauma, and polyvagal theory. In a way I had never experienced before, I felt like I had answers. I felt like someone was giving me roadmaps to the terrain within, making me no longer feel stuck or alone in ways I previously had. The trauma-body-attachment bucket felt like a missing puzzle piece I didn’t even know was out there, a missing piece that perfectly fit right where I needed it to—and I was all in.

So for years, I put pretty much everything in the trauma bucket. As a therapist, I was working with clients with varying degrees of trauma and complex trauma. As a human, I was processing old and new trauma in my own therapy. It became nearly impossible not to see myself and the world around me with trauma tinted lenses. And this was a good, beautiful, and helpful thing. There are things I was able to see that I would have never seen without those lenses, things that have been healing my life and others.

And also.

I’m starting to get curious about the things that I’ve missed or misunderstood with those lenses.

Now — huge caveat here — what I am about to say in no way diminishes, invalidates, or dismisses any of the trauma, pain, or loss that you or I have experienced. What I am about to say is not about an either-or kind of situation but a both-and kind of situation, one where it’s both trauma, and other things too. Trauma is not getting kicked out of the conversation…

A couple of years ago, I was on a train coasting through the Spanish countryside, listening to a book about neurodiversity and women (Divergent Mind by Jenara Nerenberg—highly recommend!) realizing I might need to make space for another bucket, or add another tint to my lenses, or consider that maybe there was another missing puzzle piece—whichever metaphor you prefer… or are these analogies? Honestly get them mixed up all the time…

I saw this book on a friend’s coffee table and as soon as I read the subtitle, Thriving in a World That Wasn’t Designed for You, something in me knew, this book is for you. I honestly knew very little about neurodivergence or neurodiversity, other than the fact that I had been told by a psychologist years prior that my ADHD was so severe she didn’t think I could have made it through 25 years of life without being diagnosed/aware that I had it… in my mind, I didn’t think I worked with neurodivergent clients, I just didn’t think it was my population or my personal story…

But the more that I heard and the more that I learned, my mind started to open to new possibilities.

Now, in some ways, this all happened on that train. My mind was blown as they say. In other ways, this started a 2+ year process that slowly stretched my categories and perspective in new ways I would have never anticipated, a process I’m still very much in the thick of and trying to make sense of.

And I say all of this to say this: What if, along with all the deeply healing and helpful things we’re learning about trauma, there’s more to the story that could be even more healing and helpful? What if understanding how our brains and bodies are wired is not just a complimentary or optional add-on to the trauma bucket, but instead is actually part of the same picture—and we’re missing the full picture when we only put things in the one bucket?

Again, there’s this sweet little part of me that so does not want anyone to hear me dismissing trauma… really, in my experience professionally and personally, when our lenses are not only trauma tinted but also see categories of neurodiversity, I believe we can honor our trauma, pain, and loss more wholeheartedly—more wholebodiedly.

And while I could go on for many more paragraphs, for tonight, I’ll bring our meandering journey to rest spot with these curiosities…

What if making sense of ourselves and our relationships through the lens of trauma is just the tip of the iceberg? What if also weaving in categories of neurodiversity—the diversity in how our brains and bodies most naturally navigate life—might open us up to more wholehearted and whole-bodied healing, healing that includes both the ways that we are wired and the ways that what we have walked through has shaped us?

Many more thoughts to come…

Sunrise over the North Sea on May 1, 2025. I’m not sure the light could have more perfectly depicted a gloriously both-and kinda picture :)